i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
