Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize