At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
