When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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