The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
