how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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