Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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