3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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