I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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