There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
