Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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