based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
