Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
