True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
