I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
