my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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