Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
