The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
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Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
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I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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