i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
