i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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