Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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