watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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