Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize