if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
