when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
