I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
