And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
