Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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