Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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