At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
