My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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