Who did Billy Mays play for?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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