You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
