I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
