the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
