That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
