I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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