So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
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and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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