mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
