Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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