Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
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I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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