Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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