How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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