remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
