I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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