I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
