im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
