you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
