Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
