When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
