There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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