everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
