Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter