if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
